She’s Gone!

 About six weeks ago I decided it was time for a haircut and since I hadn’t found a Winnipeg hairdresser yet, I just walked into a shop near my home and asked if someone had time to give me a wash and cut. Although most of the workers in the shop were Asian, the middle-aged woman assigned to cut my hair was clearly indigenous. I was surprised therefore when I saw her business cards on her work- station counter. She had a Mennonite name–we’ll call her Mary Heppner to protect her privacy–and as she washed my hair and we began chatting I discovered she had grown up in Steinbach, the same Mennonite community where I was raised.

Mary didn’t share her story right away, but after I chatted about my family and travel experiences she gradually began telling me about her past. As a toddler, she was taken away from her mother who lived on a Canadian Indian Reservation. Mary was part of what has been called The Sixties Scoop. During the sixties and early seventies, First Nations Children were simply scooped out of their homes. In order to facilitate their assimilation into mainstream Canadian culture and life, they were placed in foster care or adopted by white families. According to Mary, her biological mother did not have a drinking or drug problem and was taking good care of Mary and her younger brother when they were taken away from her.

Mary and her brother were placed first in a series of foster homes, some good and some bad. An older Mennonite couple from Steinbach eventually adopted Mary, while a family in the United States adopted her brother. Mary never saw her brother again.

Mary said her adoptive parents were kind, good people. They were caring and loved her. She learned to speak Low German. Her adopted mother taught her to cook and she was accepted into the family. However as Mary put it, “School and church were terrible experiences for me. When I was growing up in Steinbach if you were different in any way, as I was, not only weren’t you accepted, you were teased and mistreated. My only friends were girls from Asian and South American immigrant families. They were different, just like I was.”

Mary became pregnant as a teen and described herself as a single mother of three. She eventually moved to another province, became a hairdresser, and really enjoyed her chosen profession. Her two sons, now adults, were tired of always being poor and took courses to become qualified repairmen. Her daughter followed in her mother’s footsteps to become a hairdresser. She is also a single mother and Mary talked animatedly about her adorable grandson, who is named after the brother Mary lost and has never found. 

After both of Mary’s adoptive parents died, she searched for and found her biological mother. Lo and behold she was a hairdresser too. The reunion was a positive one.

I really liked Mary and she did an excellent job of cutting my hair. I told her I would be back.

I’ve thought so much about Mary ever since. I was sad the community I grew up in, which had provided me with an affirming and positive childhood, and many opportunities to develop my talents and gifts as a teenager had been such a negative place for Mary.

Of course, this wasn’t the first time I’d heard a story like Mary’s.  Well- known Canadian author Miriam Toews has written about the challenges of growing up in the Steinbach environment.  I have talked to others who because of their ethnicity, or sexual orientation, or religious viewpoints were not accepted and had a very hard Steinbach childhood indeed, ostracized and ridiculed. This makes me feel sad and also guilty. Did I know Mary or people like her when I lived in Steinbach? Was I welcoming or did I go along with those who shunned and ignored her or even worse mistreated her?

Today I was walking by the shop where Mary worked and went in to make an appointment for another haircut. I was told Mary was no longer employed there. “I’m sorry to hear that”, I said,” I really liked the way she cut my hair.”  The manager smiled and said, “She was a very good hairdresser but things just didn’t work out and I had to let her go. It happens. We have other hairdressers here who will do a good job of cutting your hair too.”

 So now I’m left wondering what happened to Mary. Why did she lose her job? Where has she gone? I guess I was thinking that by being a steady customer and perhaps even a friendly acquaintance I could make amends for the negative impact of my home community. Now I won’t get that chance.